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Post by ursamajor on Dec 22, 2008 12:39:39 GMT -5
First, sorry for putting this message here but i thought there would be more of a chance of people reading it.
So, just a quick question. I have a feeling a friend of mine that I've been friends with for 4 years has stopped talking me. I didn't think much of it till today when I re-read her messages.
Basically, I contacted her twice this month to try and catch up either in person or just on the phone and I got these text messages:
I'm great thanks, talk soon, take care
the second message was after I asked if she wanted to catch up for lunch or after work, the messages were 3 weeks apart :
Hey there, in workshops all week, sorry another time, take care, talk later
Now, I don't know what to do, if I send her a message to see if everything is ok, she may think I'm hassling her but at the same time I'm now thinking she has a problem with me. I was thinking of sending her another text on Christmas or New Years Day but it seems like she will just give another generic answer.
I think I only have 2 options, just leave it alogether and throw away a 4 year friendship just like that or try one more time and if the response is the same then ask her if everything's ok.
Any suggestions will be appreciated, this has bugged me all day today. And sorry for putting this topic here.
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JCV
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Post by JCV on Dec 22, 2008 12:52:32 GMT -5
I'm no expert on these things, ursa, but did you try talking to her in person or over the phone...no texting. It would be a heck of a lot easier to find out where she's coming from and be able to read those little innuendos that happen in a live conversation so you don't have to second-guess yourself or read things into a text message that aren't there. Maybe she really has been busy. Try it, and good luck! JCV
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Post by mikev on Dec 22, 2008 13:11:11 GMT -5
Usually if I get an e-mail from a friend where I can't meet them-I'll try to at least personalize the response so they know no hard feelings.
The holidays get busy, but it only takes an extra second to personalize a response.
Unless you know you did something to offend them (then you could try apologizing) I would not contact the person anymore. They know how to reach you.
Hope this helps.
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Post by John S. Damm on Dec 22, 2008 14:50:48 GMT -5
I am an expert on getting blown off. You're hosed ursa. I'd start texting the women here on this Board.
Damn-it, just kidding. ;D I like the idea of a low-pressure telephone call just to say "hello" and follow-up on the text exchanges.
If you two were "just friends," I can't imagine that she would terminate the friendship over nothing. Maybe she really is busy: it is that stressful time of year.
Good luck um!
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Post by cboxpalace on Dec 22, 2008 15:17:21 GMT -5
I am an expert on getting blown off. You're hosed ursa. I'd start texting the women here on this Board. I hate to say it, but this is the part of JSD response that I have to agree with. You may want to try a phone call. IMO I think there can be a lot of misunderstandings with texting and not really the best way to communicate since you're so limited with how much you can write. If you can talk on the phone I suppose you could get a better idea if she's just busy or just giving you the brush off. I don't get women (at all), and I'm currently going through a divorce. It seems to me there is a bit of a double standard when it comes to communication. If you had issues with her she'd want to talk and expect you to talk and we as men usually do, however this rule I guess doesn't apply when the woman is mad. I guess I'd try the phone call and if it appears you're getting blown off then at that point you've done everything you can, and I'd just move on. That's kind of what I decided to do with my wife.
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Post by ursamajor on Dec 22, 2008 19:23:43 GMT -5
I'm no expert on these things, ursa, but did you try talking to her in person or over the phone...no texting. It would be a heck of a lot easier to find out where she's coming from and be able to read those little innuendos that happen in a live conversation so you don't have to second-guess yourself or read things into a text message that aren't there. Maybe she really has been busy. Try it, and good luck! JCV A week after the first text, I left a VM but she never called back. If this is a polite way of pushing me away then I just think it's very rude. To tell you the truth, I am nervous to call her now because I keep thinking she is going to give me the "what do you want" tone and I don't want to feel like crap over Christmas and New Year. I think I may just let it go and if and when she ever decides to call me again then take it from there. thanks for the replies everyone. Have a great time over the festive season and a great New Year.
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Post by John S. Damm on Dec 22, 2008 22:07:28 GMT -5
I think I may just let it go and if and when she ever decides to call me again then take it from there. ursamajor, that is very sound. If you are misreading her, she will soon enough call you wondering where you have been! If your fears are right, maybe she'll come to her senses and she knows how to get a hold of you. Well, I truly hope you do the same! Cherish your other friends who remain true and don't forget that you have friends here even if we just post to each other. I find the gang here as essential to my emotional well-being as my friends in my town. Actually, we let each other down less here than those that we actually see face to face.
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Post by revolver66 on Dec 23, 2008 0:59:16 GMT -5
That was cool what JSD posted. Now if the two of you were friends for Four years what could be the problem? Is there more to this story than you are telling us? If not it would seem odd to me that someone would decide for no reason not to bother with a friend of Four Years. However if that is the case I can't say that you had a very good friend. I hope all works out for the best. It is possible that this is a busy season. Is this a friend who lives near you? I think a face to face would be much better than a Text or a phone call. Good Luck & Happy Holidays to everyone here!!!
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JMG
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Post by JMG on Dec 23, 2008 1:51:55 GMT -5
First, sorry for putting this message here but i thought there would be more of a chance of people reading it. So, just a quick question. I have a feeling a friend of mine that I've been friends with for 4 years has stopped talking me. I didn't think much of it till today when I re-read her messages. Basically, I contacted her twice this month to try and catch up either in person or just on the phone and I got these text messages: I'm great thanks, talk soon, take care the second message was after I asked if she wanted to catch up for lunch or after work, the messages were 3 weeks apart : Hey there, in workshops all week, sorry another time, take care, talk later Now, I don't know what to do, if I send her a message to see if everything is ok, she may think I'm hassling her but at the same time I'm now thinking she has a problem with me. I was thinking of sending her another text on Christmas or New Years Day but it seems like she will just give another generic answer. I think I only have 2 options, just leave it alogether and throw away a 4 year friendship just like that or try one more time and if the response is the same then ask her if everything's ok. Any suggestions will be appreciated, this has bugged me all day today. And sorry for putting this topic here. Sounds like you're being blown off. If she doesn't have time for you, I wouldn't have time for her. I have a low tolerance for these things. I'd walk away and never look back. But that's just me.
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Post by vectisfabber on Dec 23, 2008 4:15:27 GMT -5
Practical suggestion - one, send a seasonal good wishes message which doesn't require a reply: "Good to hear you're OK, all the best over Christmas, catch up with you in January" and, two, try again after the Christmas rush - maybe she's genuinely caught up with seasonal hassle.
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Post by sayne on Dec 23, 2008 9:35:46 GMT -5
"if you love somebody, set them free . . ." At this point, I would suggest, as well, that if you still and will always care about this person, just limit your contact with just the occasional Christmas card and birthday card. No more. This simply tells the person you still care and that you are still around. The simpler the message, the better. Do this with no expectation of anything in return - you know what they say about the joy of giving.
Don't obsess or try to figure things out. Move on. This person has - their choice and for whatever reason. It's really about them, not you.
Now, since you you titled this "A Male/Female Opinion Required", I'll jump into this gender mine field by saying that a guy would probably say, "Fuck him." A woman would probably push and pry and fret and probe and investigate and gossip over and over again. Don't take what is NOW a quiet ending to a relationship and turn it into a flame war. If you persist, it will get ugly.
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Post by Steve Marinucci on Dec 23, 2008 11:29:09 GMT -5
Practical suggestion - one, send a seasonal good wishes message which doesn't require a reply: "Good to hear you're OK, all the best over Christmas, catch up with you in January" and, two, try again after the Christmas rush - maybe she's genuinely caught up with seasonal hassle. I like this answer. And remember, ursa, that computer messages can have different meanings than in-person ones. Words in a message, even this one (!!!), can be misinterpreted. Hope everything works out ok. And it warms my heart (old softie that I am) to see the board come together (sounds like a song) at a time like this. Thanks, everyone.
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JCV
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Post by JCV on Dec 23, 2008 14:00:56 GMT -5
Sorry to hear of your troubles, cboxpalace. Hope you can get things resolved quickly and painlessly. I know -- communication can be hard at times between men/women. I like to stick to the straight-forward approach myself. As JSD stated: "Cherish your other friends who remain true and don't forget that you have friends here even if we just post to each other." That is so true, JSD. Sometimes it just takes a quick note to your "board" friends to help you through a rough time. We're here to help. I sincerely hope everyone on the board has a great end of the year, and here's to new beginnings in the New Year to come! JCV
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Post by Riff Raff on Dec 26, 2008 10:57:31 GMT -5
I sincerely hope everyone on the board has a great end of the year, and here's to new beginnings in the New Year to come! JCV I second that motion. I, too, am going through a very difficult separation and I agree, communication can be the first thing out the window. For your friend, I would suggest patience and kindness. Everyone deals with their lives in different ways. I would agree with others on the board, about talking to your friend, sometime, in person. Often, people are dealing with issues that have nothing to do with you, but can spill over into your relationship. That has been my experience. Good luck. I hope the best for everyone in 2009, and that we can all sort out our lives!
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Post by cboxpalace on Dec 26, 2008 15:29:52 GMT -5
JCV - Thanks for your kind words...
JMG - I wish I could be more like you.
Riff Raff - I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same boat as me.
It does sound like there may be more to the story. Are you attracted to her? Could she perceive that you're attracted to her and maybe that makes her uncomfortable?
My last thought. Does she have a new boyfriend or does she have a boyfriend? If she does this could be the source of the problem. Some guys are weird about their signifiicant other talking to other guys.
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Post by Riff Raff on Dec 26, 2008 16:10:54 GMT -5
My last thought. Does she have a new boyfriend or does she have a boyfriend? If she does this could be the source of the problem. Some guys are weird about their signifiicant other talking to other guys. Definitely! Very good point, cboxpalace. I couldn't even look sideways at the milkman without being questioned. In fact, many years ago, my "spouse" told me that he doesn't like the Beatles anymore because I do. Go figure. Anyway, not all gloom and doom - I managed to make this a Beatles thread.
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Post by ursamajor on Dec 26, 2008 20:21:11 GMT -5
Hey Guys, thanks so much for your comments. My friend sent me a text on Christmas Day and I replied with a joking, "glad to hear from you, where have you been ? etc ... "
Then later that night I called her and she said she had some drama with a friend and she was moved to a different area within her company which she doesn't like.
So it wasn't me. I think the lesson is to not take things personally and sometimes you have to give people abit of space, even your close friends.
Thnaks to everyone once again.
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Post by winstonoboogie on Dec 26, 2008 21:00:44 GMT -5
UM, glad to hear things are looking up again! I just want to echo what everyone else said about being patient, cherishing your friends, etc., etc. In other words,.....uh......"what they said"! ;D
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Post by cboxpalace on Dec 27, 2008 8:07:51 GMT -5
I'm glad things worked out for you.
I wish I could be so lucky with my future-to-be ex. We lost our love for one another, but I was fortunate enough to find that love I had for her, unfortunately she wasn't able to do the same.
Have a Happy New Years!
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Post by John S. Damm on Dec 27, 2008 11:54:42 GMT -5
I'm glad things worked out for you. I wish I could be so lucky with my future-to-be ex. We lost our love for one another, but I was fortunate enough to find that love I had for her, unfortunately she wasn't able to do the same. Have a Happy New Years! You too cboxpalace! Hope you get to a better place asap in terms of your peace of mind and personal happiness. Be strong and continue to act with the dignity that you have shown in your posts here.
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Post by sayne on Dec 27, 2008 15:59:50 GMT -5
. . . I, too, am going through a very difficult separation . . . Just a little "time out" to help you and others going through difficult relationships: “Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.” - Robin Williams "Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it." - Henny Youngman "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield. "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late." - Max Kaufman "There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." - Steve Martin. Always look on the bright side of life. Look at it this way, you're about to lose a lot of weight.
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Post by ursamajor on Dec 27, 2008 17:43:29 GMT -5
I'm glad things worked out for you. I wish I could be so lucky with my future-to-be ex. We lost our love for one another, but I was fortunate enough to find that love I had for her, unfortunately she wasn't able to do the same. Have a Happy New Years! I feel for you my friend. Just try and put yourself and your happiness first. It will take time but one day you will wake up and you won't be thinking of her.
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Post by Riff Raff on Dec 28, 2008 2:17:04 GMT -5
Thanks, sayne! Certainly, what has helped is the support of my family and friends. Unfortunately, relationship difficulties and divorces are part of life, I guess. I know I will be facing a lot of changes soon - it will be interesting. Always look on the bright side of life. Look at it this way, you're about to lose a lot of weight. There's the silver lining!
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Post by Riff Raff on Feb 15, 2009 2:14:43 GMT -5
. . . I, too, am going through a very difficult separation . . . Always look on the bright side of life. Look at it this way, you're about to lose a lot of weight. 14 lbs. and counting.
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